WASHINGTON D.C. – The Pentagon is rushing tens of thousands of new ‘Liberation Signs’ to Iraq in order to counter the spreading sense of chaos that is taking hold of the country as looting continues unabated, while powerful Shiite factions are gaining control.
The new signs, 75,000 of which have been printed in a Bloomington, Indiana factory, are being shipped to Iraq starting tomorrow, and being posted in various sizes on buildings, roads, doors, cars and even hung around people’s necks. “We are doing this to give Iraqis the unambiguous message that we are fully dedicated to reconstruction,” Pentagon spokeswoman Victoria Clarke said holding one of the freshly printed signs in her hand reading: “AFGHANI RECONSTRUCTION – THAT WAS JUST FOR PRACTICE.”
New administrators, replacing retired general Jay M. Garner and Barbara Bodine, are being sent along with the signs.
“Right there is a plain message that anyone ought to understand,” said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, standing by a 3’ by 7’ black on white sign reading, “RELAX – DON’T MAKE US LIBERATE YOU AGAIN.” The Secretary said American forces are doing everything in their power to restore order and basic services to the country, but that Iraqis need to show patience and understanding for the arduous process.
The new signage effort, unprecedented in American military history, is the brainchild of the Pentagon and the CIA. It has been personally approved by President Bush, according to White House sources. “Iraqis don’t understand how good they really have it – water this, electricity that…frankly, they need to just deal. This is not the time for dissent – at home or abroad,” a high level administration official groused.
The Pentagon has released a list of signs currently in the pipeline, meant to deal with lingering infrastructure, disorder and political problems:
“ELECTRICITY, SCHMELECTRICITY… IT’S NOT LIKE YOU HAD IT BEFORE”
“WATER IS FOR SISSIES”
“ISLAMIC FUNDAMENTALISM, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO GO THERE?”
“MECCA – IT’S QUITE A LONG WALK, YOU KNOW.”
Domestic signs, perhaps for use during President Bush's '04 re-election campaign, are also reportedly in the works.
Please note this Stinky Shorts original also appears on the theSchmews.com. They own all copyrights. Seriously.
OFF THE PACIFIC COAST – Flying in a sleek, two winged, jet propelled analogy, President Bush landed safely on the deck of the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln yesterday. The winged analogy, which flew from an air base in San Diego, was never piloted by Bush, though he did “get to play with the flight stick a little bit and press some buttons,” according to Cmdr. Tom Wilson, one of the three qualified people who actually were in control during the entire flight.
President Bush flew to the Lincoln in order to inform the sailors – who apparently do not have access to CNN – that the war in Iraq is “darn close to finished.”
Under the cockpit window of the winged analogy, where the pilot’s name usually goes, the text “George W. Bush. Commander in Chief,” was stamped, though plainly Bush was not in charge.
This was the first instance of a President landing on an aircraft carrier, quite a risky operation, according to naval aviators. Yet, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and Condoleezza Rice had all given Bush permission to fly in the analogy, which has a crew of four.
Speaking before the historic flight, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer sought to assure Americans that while in the air, the President would not be making decisions for which he is neither prepared, nor qualified, “Americans can rest easy, it only looks like President Bush is in control, when in fact he is not.” Fleisher said, then added. “I am, of course, speaking only of the President’s flight.”
In addition to his speech last night, Bush also handed out decks of the new WMD playing cards to the sailors, featuring ‘scratch-n-sniff" patches of Sarin, VX and 53 other wanted lethal agents.
Bloomington, Indiana – Describing his trip to London as “incredibly restful,” Dave Millman’s account of the vacation he took with longtime girlfriend Becky Sanchez, willfully omitted instances of coital bliss and bursts of mutual acrimony, friends and co-workers of the Spring Road accountant complained on Monday. “Are you telling me they didn’t do it even once while they were over there?” coworker Mike Martin complained, “I mean, did Dave really need Becky there to enjoy the double decker buses?” Millman spent several minutes relating the merits of the National Gallery and traditional black cabs, while leaving twice-daily love making sessions and numerous arguments about wake-up times and lost traveler’s items unmentioned. “We definitely slept a lot,” Millman kept repeating without elaboration, apparently fooling no one.
Pro-war demonstrators around the country declared the ‘major demonstrations’ part of the war over, as soundly defeated peace-activists around the United States have abandoned their posts or simply put down their signs, changed clothes, and blended into the civilian population.
“Every single person in my office is glad we got rid of Hussein,” said Brooklyn resident Kate Bloom, “the weird thing is, no one remembers who pinned the ‘No Blood For Oil’ signs on the walls.” Indeed, the streets of New York and San Francisco were full of harried civilians shopping and going to work, but the tens of thousands of anti-war demonstrators out in force just a few weeks ago were nowhere to be found.
“Given the speed and professionalism of the coalition forces, anti-war demonstrators never had a chance,” Richard Wahd, a professor of peace studies at Harvard University said. While anti-war protesters based in San Francisco, New York and Chicago outnumbered coalition troops at the beginning of the war, their numbers declined with each coalition victory. “Just like those of Iraqi troops,” professor Wahd noted.
A deserter from the anti-war forces, Mike, who insisted his last name not be used for fear of retribution from neighbors and co-workers, claimed that like many of his fellow protesters, he was forced into the demonstrations, “My girlfriend wanted to go, so there was nothing I could do,” he insisted, “She also made me see ‘Chicago’ the week before, I had to sit through that too.” Mike’s friend, Jason, also a deserter, added, “I just went to meet chicks…the ones at the anti-globalization protests are much, much hotter, I’m not sure why.”
The leaders of the previously bold anti-war movement could not be reached for comment – though according to some accounts, they are secretly working out the kinks in their upcoming “No Blood for Cereal” campaign.