Once again, the The Onion is scooped by real life events. My guess is that they'll just give up sooner or later; it's becoming too hard to sound ridiculous: Man Wraps Entire House In Plastic After Terror Warning

(via fark.com)

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Valentine's Day Top 10 List: How to Let Her Know How Much You Truly Love Her

... presented by political figures from around the world



10. Osama Bin Laden: Assure her that of your 32 wives, you love her the most. The other ones? Filthy infidels.

9. Saddam Hussein: Challenge her to prove that you don’t love her; when confronted with compromising photographs of other girlfriends, insist that “nothing happened.”

8. Hans Blix: Pretend you can’t find her flaws. Also, don’t look for them.

7. Colin Powell: Secretly record your lovemaking, then show the video and audio recordings as proof of your love. Do not get discouraged when she says she was 'faking it.'

6. Donald Rumsfeld: Call her a fat, old hag. Tell her you were just kidding.

5. Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge: Inform her that the intensity of your desire for her is matched only by National Threat Level Red.

4. George Bush: If things aren’t going that well, tactfully suggest that your relationship needs a ‘regime change.’

3. Tony Blair: If things aren’t going that well, tactfully suggest that your relationship needs a ‘regime change.’

2. Jacques Chirac: Tell her you could 'get it up' if you wanted to. But right now, you don't want to.

1. Kim Jong Il: Threaten to kill her unless she promises to love you forever. Mean it.

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"Drivers Urged to Hunt for Cheaper Gas" is not a headline from The Onion. Really.

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INVISIBLE CONDOM that blocks AIDS coming soon. Invisible condom that doesn't block AIDS or prevent pregnancy available now.

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AMAZON.COM GREETS ME BY NAME and recommends the "Weight Training Diary for Dummies." So, just through a history of my past purchases, they have figured out that I'm puny, dumb and not very disciplined. Nifty.

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THE ORIGIN OF FISHIES... or how they grew legs after sitting on the backs of Christians' cars everywhere.

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THERE IS AT LEAST ONE MAN IN RUSSIA who doesn't take bribes. Though, nearly everyone else does, it seems:
The researchers estimated that Russian citizens pay about $3 billion in bribes annually — about half of what they pay in income tax. Business owners, meanwhile, were found to fork over a whopping $33 billion to keep things running smoothly, a sum just less than half of all of last year's federal budget revenues. Traffic police officers rake in $368 million, beaten only by education employees, who take $449 million. The list goes on.
... from the NYT profile of the lone holdout: Georgi A. Satarov.

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THE MAN WHOSE REPORT CHASED Senator Trent Lott out of Washington, Josh Marshall, brings you an other brewing controversy, this time, of the electoral sort. Following up on a Manchester Union Leader story, Marshall is reporting that Allen Raymond, Executive Director of the Republican Leadership Council, is also the founder of the telemarketing company, GOP Marketplace, that jammed democratic get-out-the-vote phone banks in New Hampshire on Election Day with repeated dial and hang-up calls. Marshall muses:
The Manchester Union Leader says that GOP Marketplace got the job done for the New Hampshire Republican party. So who else did GOP Marketplace work for in 2002? There were a lot of close races last year...
Considering Allen's leadership of the Republican Leadership Council, that's not a bad question to ask, eh? Read Marshall's report and check his main site for the latest updates.

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IS TOM CRUISE GAY? We think not. Tom Cruise thinks not. Nicole Kidman... uh, she'll get back to you. The funny folks at BBspot also think not, yet they dare you to spot the difference between Tom Cruise movies and gay porn movies. Quickly: Is Cocktail a Tom Cruise star vehicle or a JamRod (tm) productions showcase? Trickier than you thought, eh? Go on, take the quiz, and go boldly where ten percent of men have gone before! Yes, really.


[p.s. Tom, please don't sue us. We really don't care either way -- it's the Scientology crap that's really buggin' us. We like gay porn just as much as the next guy!]

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THERE WAS THIS GREAT blog entry all set to go for today. It was funny, it was delectable, it was mind-boggling. Just what you've come to expect from Stinky Shorts.

But then, just as the final copy was being run over from the copy desk to the printing house, the courier slipped on an egg-salad stain, fell and accidentally ingested the sheer brilliance that was going to be today's post. Stuff like this happens all time here.

However, speaking of egg salad, take a minute to read this wonderful little poem from former poet laureate Billy Collins. His poetry is so simple, its wit and wisdom will hit you like a belatedly formulated perfect reply. Also see this other great one from him, Forgetfulness.

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