LOS ANGELES, April 11 -- The one and a half inch piece of pink plastic, familiar to television viewers throughout the world as Michael Jackson’s nose, is to host its own talk show on the Fox channel.
The star of "The Nose", set to run in May
The diminutive artificial limb, which has been known by the aliases “Holy shit, is that his nose?!” and “Oh my god, what is that thing?” is hitting the big time after starring in wildly popular television specials on Britain’s ITV, as well as on ABC, NBC, CBS and FOX in the United States. The ABC broadcast alone pulled in 27 million viewers.
The new show, tentatively titled “The Nose,” will provide “unprecedented, personal access to Michael’s nose, in a timely, touching, personal manner, in a format that is a first for network talk shows,” Fox said. Doing away with guests and talking altogether, the show will travel to a different city each week, where studio audience members will be allowed to take photographs with Jackson’s nose, and in some cases, will be “invited to come up and actually poke it and squeeze it,” the network said. Squeamish guests will be provided with six foot poles to use, if necessary.
“The Nose” will begin running sometime during the May television sweeps, possibly at the onset of the spring allergy season. While final arrangements are still being ironed out, as of last night Michael Jackson was said to be loosely attached to the project.
Since his purchase of an X-10 camera two weeks ago, no voluptuous bikini clad women have visited Woody Johnson’s dorm room, the sullen
Despite use of the X-10, this blonde was not spotted
Plainfield University student reported to the disappointment of multiple AIM buddies... :-( The raven haired, towel-clad beauty who just stepped out of the shower and the bookish, wide-eyed brunette in the tight tank-top have also failed to materialize, Johnson said.
The pint sized ‘XCam2’ camera, carefully tucked under a ‘Deep Space Nine - Season 1’ DVD, has been panning and scanning Johnson’s room, capturing covert footage of several Domino’s pizza delivery men, an undergraduate advisor, and Jason Fillmore, a classmate. Notably, Susan Longwell, a female neighbor from two doors down, was captured on tape borrowing a roll of Scotch tape. She was, we are told, fully clothed at the time.
Raising serious doubts about the device's usefulness, a Survivor Immunity Bracelet ordered from CBS's on-line store several weeks ago for $18.95, failed to protect Saddam Hussein from being "voted off the island in a pretty heavy way," according to an exasperated Mohammed Al Douri, Iraq's ambassador to the United Nations.
Neither the Iraqi people nor the JDAM bunker busting bombs who cast their votes against Saddam had any commments on the situation.
BAGHDAD, Iraq, April 8 – In a rambunctious news conference only he could have delivered, Iraqi information minister Mohammed Said Sahaf declared that Liv Tyler was "not at all hot." Prodded by a roomful of incredulous reporters, a defiant Sahaf added that he has “never, ever dreamed of making passionate, unending love,” to Tyler, 25, the curvaceous star of “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy and “Armageddon.”
The minister, looking tense and bothered, then refused to move out from behind the lectern, until all reporters had left the room.
Sahaf has befuddled audiences around the Western world with statements that seem increasingly detached from reality. In recent press conferences, he has claimed that the US army "faked" its capture of Baghdad’s airport and vehemently denied that US troops had reached the Iraqi capital, even as Abrams tanks were rolling in the streets just a few hundred meters from where he was speaking.
The information minister’s latest statement seemed to sow dissent even among his core audience. “Liv Tyler is an extraordinarily hot infidel, Allah has blessed her in all the right ways” a network anchor for the Qatar based Al-Jazeera commented, immediately after reporting the surrender of thousands of "cowardly US imperialist troops" to a "handful of unarmed Iraqi peasants."
At the Pentagon, a testy Donald Rumsfeld angrily dismissed Sahaf’s claims, describing Tyler as an “angelic beauty, whose shapely figure inspires a desire for… freedom in the hearts of men everywhere, including Syria and Iran.” Leaving the press corps in disbelief, Rumsfeld added that “I wouldn’t mind deploying my troops in her neighborhood, if you know what I mean,” before dictating his phone number to the cameras – twice.
As of this morning, coalition troops were in control of much of Baghdad and methodically extending their control. Ms. Tyler, appearing live on ABC’s Good Morning America, was still mind-numbingly hot; the bouquet of rare Iraqi flowers she was clutching, with a handwritten note from "MSS," were not from a bespectacled, beret wearing fan, Sahaf insisted to all who would listen.