Pro-war demonstrators around the country declared the ‘major demonstrations’ part of the war over, as soundly defeated peace-activists around the United States have abandoned their posts or simply put down their signs, changed clothes, and blended into the civilian population.
“Every single person in my office is glad we got rid of Hussein,” said Brooklyn resident Kate Bloom, “the weird thing is, no one remembers who pinned the ‘No Blood For Oil’ signs on the walls.” Indeed, the streets of New York and San Francisco were full of harried civilians shopping and going to work, but the tens of thousands of anti-war demonstrators out in force just a few weeks ago were nowhere to be found.
“Given the speed and professionalism of the coalition forces, anti-war demonstrators never had a chance,” Richard Wahd, a professor of peace studies at Harvard University said. While anti-war protesters based in San Francisco, New York and Chicago outnumbered coalition troops at the beginning of the war, their numbers declined with each coalition victory. “Just like those of Iraqi troops,” professor Wahd noted.
A deserter from the anti-war forces, Mike, who insisted his last name not be used for fear of retribution from neighbors and co-workers, claimed that like many of his fellow protesters, he was forced into the demonstrations, “My girlfriend wanted to go, so there was nothing I could do,” he insisted, “She also made me see ‘Chicago’ the week before, I had to sit through that too.” Mike’s friend, Jason, also a deserter, added, “I just went to meet chicks…the ones at the anti-globalization protests are much, much hotter, I’m not sure why.”
The leaders of the previously bold anti-war movement could not be reached for comment – though according to some accounts, they are secretly working out the kinks in their upcoming “No Blood for Cereal” campaign.
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5. Peace-protesters no longer clogging up traffic around downtown.
4. Annoying “Breaking News” segments were cutting into crucial episodes of "American Idol" and "Everybody Loves Raymond"
3. Ran out of condescending jokes about the French well over a week ago.
2. Finally they found those weapons of mass destr… oh, wait, nevermind.
1. Radio will stop playing those awful pro-war country songs any minute now.