OFF THE PACIFIC COAST – Flying in a sleek, two winged, jet propelled analogy, President Bush landed safely on the deck of the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln yesterday. The winged analogy, which flew from an air base in San Diego, was never piloted by Bush, though he did “get to play with the flight stick a little bit and press some buttons,” according to Cmdr. Tom Wilson, one of the three qualified people who actually were in control during the entire flight.
President Bush flew to the Lincoln in order to inform the sailors – who apparently do not have access to CNN – that the war in Iraq is “darn close to finished.”
Under the cockpit window of the winged analogy, where the pilot’s name usually goes, the text “George W. Bush. Commander in Chief,” was stamped, though plainly Bush was not in charge.
This was the first instance of a President landing on an aircraft carrier, quite a risky operation, according to naval aviators. Yet, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and Condoleezza Rice had all given Bush permission to fly in the analogy, which has a crew of four.
Speaking before the historic flight, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer sought to assure Americans that while in the air, the President would not be making decisions for which he is neither prepared, nor qualified, “Americans can rest easy, it only looks like President Bush is in control, when in fact he is not.” Fleisher said, then added. “I am, of course, speaking only of the President’s flight.”
In addition to his speech last night, Bush also handed out decks of the new WMD playing cards to the sailors, featuring ‘scratch-n-sniff" patches of Sarin, VX and 53 other wanted lethal agents.
Bloomington, Indiana – Describing his trip to London as “incredibly restful,” Dave Millman’s account of the vacation he took with longtime girlfriend Becky Sanchez, willfully omitted instances of coital bliss and bursts of mutual acrimony, friends and co-workers of the Spring Road accountant complained on Monday. “Are you telling me they didn’t do it even once while they were over there?” coworker Mike Martin complained, “I mean, did Dave really need Becky there to enjoy the double decker buses?” Millman spent several minutes relating the merits of the National Gallery and traditional black cabs, while leaving twice-daily love making sessions and numerous arguments about wake-up times and lost traveler’s items unmentioned. “We definitely slept a lot,” Millman kept repeating without elaboration, apparently fooling no one.