WASHINGTON D.C. – The Pentagon is rushing tens of thousands of new ‘Liberation Signs’ to Iraq in order to counter the spreading sense of chaos that is taking hold of the country as looting continues unabated, while powerful Shiite factions are gaining control.
The new signs, 75,000 of which have been printed in a Bloomington, Indiana factory, are being shipped to Iraq starting tomorrow, and being posted in various sizes on buildings, roads, doors, cars and even hung around people’s necks. “We are doing this to give Iraqis the unambiguous message that we are fully dedicated to reconstruction,” Pentagon spokeswoman Victoria Clarke said holding one of the freshly printed signs in her hand reading: “AFGHANI RECONSTRUCTION – THAT WAS JUST FOR PRACTICE.”
New administrators, replacing retired general Jay M. Garner and Barbara Bodine, are being sent along with the signs.
“Right there is a plain message that anyone ought to understand,” said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, standing by a 3’ by 7’ black on white sign reading, “RELAX – DON’T MAKE US LIBERATE YOU AGAIN.” The Secretary said American forces are doing everything in their power to restore order and basic services to the country, but that Iraqis need to show patience and understanding for the arduous process.
The new signage effort, unprecedented in American military history, is the brainchild of the Pentagon and the CIA. It has been personally approved by President Bush, according to White House sources. “Iraqis don’t understand how good they really have it – water this, electricity that…frankly, they need to just deal. This is not the time for dissent – at home or abroad,” a high level administration official groused.
The Pentagon has released a list of signs currently in the pipeline, meant to deal with lingering infrastructure, disorder and political problems:
“ELECTRICITY, SCHMELECTRICITY… IT’S NOT LIKE YOU HAD IT BEFORE”
“WATER IS FOR SISSIES”
“ISLAMIC FUNDAMENTALISM, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO GO THERE?”
“MECCA – IT’S QUITE A LONG WALK, YOU KNOW.”
Domestic signs, perhaps for use during President Bush's '04 re-election campaign, are also reportedly in the works.
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