Stinky Shorts

2003-05-22T03:53:00.000-04:00

HOMOPHOBIA TRIUMPHS OVER RACISM IN AMERICAN IDOL SHOWDOWN

Racists fault homophobes for discrimation, frequent voting

2003-05-12T05:29:00.000-04:00

“PLEASE EXCUSE OUR MESS WHILE WE UNBOMB YOUR COUNTRY”

[ from http://stinkyshorts.blogspot.com ]

WASHINGTON D.C. – The Pentagon is rushing tens of thousands of new ‘Liberation Signs’ to Iraq in order to counter the spreading sense of chaos that is taking hold of the country as looting continues unabated, while powerful Shiite factions are gaining control.

The new signs, 75,000 of which have been printed in a Bloomington, Indiana factory, are being shipped to Iraq starting tomorrow, and being posted in various sizes on buildings, roads, doors, cars and even hung around people’s necks. “We are doing this to give Iraqis the unambiguous message that we are fully dedicated to reconstruction,” Pentagon spokeswoman Victoria Clarke said holding one of the freshly printed signs in her hand reading: “AFGHANI RECONSTRUCTION – THAT WAS JUST FOR PRACTICE.”

New administrators, replacing retired general Jay M. Garner and Barbara Bodine, are being sent along with the signs.

“Right there is a plain message that anyone ought to understand,” said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, standing by a 3’ by 7’ black on white sign reading, “RELAX – DON’T MAKE US LIBERATE YOU AGAIN.” The Secretary said American forces are doing everything in their power to restore order and basic services to the country, but that Iraqis need to show patience and understanding for the arduous process.

The new signage effort, unprecedented in American military history, is the brainchild of the Pentagon and the CIA. It has been personally approved by President Bush, according to White House sources. “Iraqis don’t understand how good they really have it – water this, electricity that…frankly, they need to just deal. This is not the time for dissent – at home or abroad,” a high level administration official groused.

The Pentagon has released a list of signs currently in the pipeline, meant to deal with lingering infrastructure, disorder and political problems:

“ELECTRICITY, SCHMELECTRICITY… IT’S NOT LIKE YOU HAD IT BEFORE”

“WATER IS FOR SISSIES”

“ISLAMIC FUNDAMENTALISM, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO GO THERE?”

“MECCA – IT’S QUITE A LONG WALK, YOU KNOW.”

Domestic signs, perhaps for use during President Bush's '04 re-election campaign, are also reportedly in the works.

Please note this Stinky Shorts original also appears on the theSchmews.com. They own all copyrights. Seriously.

2003-05-08T05:49:00.000-04:00

Josh Gracin Voted Out, Idol Contestants Pared Down to Three and a Half

2003-05-08T05:42:00.000-04:00

Altruist Giving Away “Million Dollar $ecret!!!” for $16.95 plus S & H

Developing...

2003-05-06T05:55:00.000-04:00

Huge Dropoff in Blog Traffic Investigated

Mother's business trip, best friend's final exams suspected

Developing...

2003-05-02T13:02:00.000-04:00

Winged Analogy Makes Perfect Landing

[ from http://stinkyshorts.blogspot.com ]

OFF THE PACIFIC COAST – Flying in a sleek, two winged, jet propelled analogy, President Bush landed safely on the deck of the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln yesterday. The winged analogy, which flew from an air base in San Diego, was never piloted by Bush, though he did “get to play with the flight stick a little bit and press some buttons,” according to Cmdr. Tom Wilson, one of the three qualified people who actually were in control during the entire flight.

President Bush flew to the Lincoln in order to inform the sailors – who apparently do not have access to CNN – that the war in Iraq is “darn close to finished.”

Under the cockpit window of the winged analogy, where the pilot’s name usually goes, the text “George W. Bush. Commander in Chief,” was stamped, though plainly Bush was not in charge.

This was the first instance of a President landing on an aircraft carrier, quite a risky operation, according to naval aviators. Yet, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and Condoleezza Rice had all given Bush permission to fly in the analogy, which has a crew of four.

Speaking before the historic flight, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer sought to assure Americans that while in the air, the President would not be making decisions for which he is neither prepared, nor qualified, “Americans can rest easy, it only looks like President Bush is in control, when in fact he is not.” Fleisher said, then added. “I am, of course, speaking only of the President’s flight.”

In addition to his speech last night, Bush also handed out decks of the new WMD playing cards to the sailors, featuring ‘scratch-n-sniff" patches of Sarin, VX and 53 other wanted lethal agents.

2003-04-29T04:29:00.000-04:00

Sex, Bickering Awkwardly Left Out of Vacation Account

[ from http://stinkyshorts.blogspot.com ]

Bloomington, Indiana – Describing his trip to London as “incredibly restful,” Dave Millman’s account of the vacation he took with longtime girlfriend Becky Sanchez, willfully omitted instances of coital bliss and bursts of mutual acrimony, friends and co-workers of the Spring Road accountant complained on Monday. “Are you telling me they didn’t do it even once while they were over there?” coworker Mike Martin complained, “I mean, did Dave really need Becky there to enjoy the double decker buses?” Millman spent several minutes relating the merits of the National Gallery and traditional black cabs, while leaving twice-daily love making sessions and numerous arguments about wake-up times and lost traveler’s items unmentioned. “We definitely slept a lot,” Millman kept repeating without elaboration, apparently fooling no one.

2003-04-15T05:12:00.000-04:00

Major Demonstrations Declared "Over"

[ from http://stinkyshorts.blogspot.com ]

Pro-war demonstrators around the country declared the ‘major demonstrations’ part of the war over, as soundly defeated peace-activists around the United States have abandoned their posts or simply put down their signs, changed clothes, and blended into the civilian population.

“Every single person in my office is glad we got rid of Hussein,” said Brooklyn resident Kate Bloom, “the weird thing is, no one remembers who pinned the ‘No Blood For Oil’ signs on the walls.” Indeed, the streets of New York and San Francisco were full of harried civilians shopping and going to work, but the tens of thousands of anti-war demonstrators out in force just a few weeks ago were nowhere to be found.

“Given the speed and professionalism of the coalition forces, anti-war demonstrators never had a chance,” Richard Wahd, a professor of peace studies at Harvard University said. While anti-war protesters based in San Francisco, New York and Chicago outnumbered coalition troops at the beginning of the war, their numbers declined with each coalition victory. “Just like those of Iraqi troops,” professor Wahd noted.

A deserter from the anti-war forces, Mike, who insisted his last name not be used for fear of retribution from neighbors and co-workers, claimed that like many of his fellow protesters, he was forced into the demonstrations, “My girlfriend wanted to go, so there was nothing I could do,” he insisted, “She also made me see ‘Chicago’ the week before, I had to sit through that too.” Mike’s friend, Jason, also a deserter, added, “I just went to meet chicks…the ones at the anti-globalization protests are much, much hotter, I’m not sure why.”

The leaders of the previously bold anti-war movement could not be reached for comment – though according to some accounts, they are secretly working out the kinks in their upcoming “No Blood for Cereal” campaign.

2003-04-14T05:32:00.000-04:00

Dick Cheney Rescued from Undisclosed Location

Special Forces troops rescued Dick Cheney from an undisclosed location in the greater Washington D.C. area this morning at 5:21 AM...
Everybody "just kinda forgot about him," says White House source...

Developing...

2003-04-13T11:21:00.000-04:00

Top 10 5 Other Reasons We’re Happy the War is Winding Down

[ from http://stinkyshorts.blogspot.com ]

5. Peace-protesters no longer clogging up traffic around downtown.
4. Annoying “Breaking News” segments were cutting into crucial episodes of "American Idol" and "Everybody Loves Raymond"
3. Ran out of condescending jokes about the French well over a week ago.
2. Finally they found those weapons of mass destr… oh, wait, nevermind.
1. Radio will stop playing those awful pro-war country songs any minute now.

2003-04-11T04:18:00.000-04:00

Michael Jackson’s Nose to Host Own Talk Show

[ from http://stinkyshorts.blogspot.com ]

LOS ANGELES, April 11 -- The one and a half inch piece of pink plastic, familiar to television viewers throughout the world as Michael Jackson’s nose, is to host its own talk show on the Fox channel.

**The star of "The Nose", set to run in May**

The diminutive artificial limb, which has been known by the aliases “Holy shit, is that his nose?!” and “Oh my god, what is that thing?” is hitting the big time after starring in wildly popular television specials on Britain’s ITV, as well as on ABC, NBC, CBS and FOX in the United States. The ABC broadcast alone pulled in 27 million viewers.

The new show, tentatively titled “The Nose,” will provide “unprecedented, personal access to Michael’s nose, in a timely, touching, personal manner, in a format that is a first for network talk shows,” Fox said. Doing away with guests and talking altogether, the show will travel to a different city each week, where studio audience members will be allowed to take photographs with Jackson’s nose, and in some cases, will be “invited to come up and actually poke it and squeeze it,” the network said. Squeamish guests will be provided with six foot poles to use, if necessary.

“The Nose” will begin running sometime during the May television sweeps, possibly at the onset of the spring allergy season. While final arrangements are still being ironed out, as of last night Michael Jackson was said to be loosely attached to the project.

2003-04-10T02:53:00.000-04:00

Surveillance Losing Its Fun

[ from http://stinkyshorts.blogspot.com ]

Since his purchase of an X-10 camera two weeks ago, no voluptuous bikini clad women have visited Woody Johnson’s dorm room, the sullen

**Despite use of the X-10, this blonde was not spotted**

Plainfield University student reported to the disappointment of multiple AIM buddies... :-( The raven haired, towel-clad beauty who just stepped out of the shower and the bookish, wide-eyed brunette in the tight tank-top have also failed to materialize, Johnson said.

The pint sized ‘XCam2’ camera, carefully tucked under a ‘Deep Space Nine - Season 1’ DVD, has been panning and scanning Johnson’s room, capturing covert footage of several Domino’s pizza delivery men, an undergraduate advisor, and Jason Fillmore, a classmate. Notably, Susan Longwell, a female neighbor from two doors down, was captured on tape borrowing a roll of Scotch tape. She was, we are told, fully clothed at the time.

2003-04-09T16:26:00.000-04:00

Raising serious doubts about the device's usefulness, a Survivor Immunity Bracelet ordered from CBS's on-line store several weeks ago for $18.95, failed to protect Saddam Hussein from being "voted off the island in a pretty heavy way," according to an exasperated Mohammed Al Douri, Iraq's ambassador to the United Nations.

Neither the Iraqi people nor the JDAM bunker busting bombs who cast their votes against Saddam had any commments on the situation.

2003-04-09T02:12:00.000-04:00

Iraqi Information Minister: Liv Tyler is Not Hot

Uncomfortable grimace, hands in pockets belie his words

[ from http://stinkyshorts.blogspot.com ]

BAGHDAD, Iraq, April 8 – In a rambunctious news conference only he could have delivered, Iraqi information minister Mohammed Said Sahaf declared that Liv Tyler was "not at all hot." Prodded by a roomful of incredulous reporters, a defiant Sahaf added that he has “never, ever dreamed of making passionate, unending love,” to Tyler, 25, the curvaceous star of “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy and “Armageddon.”

The minister, looking tense and bothered, then refused to move out from behind the lectern, until all reporters had left the room.

Sahaf has befuddled audiences around the Western world with statements that seem increasingly detached from reality. In recent press conferences, he has claimed that the US army "faked" its capture of Baghdad’s airport and vehemently denied that US troops had reached the Iraqi capital, even as Abrams tanks were rolling in the streets just a few hundred meters from where he was speaking.

The information minister’s latest statement seemed to sow dissent even among his core audience. “Liv Tyler is an extraordinarily hot infidel, Allah has blessed her in all the right ways” a network anchor for the Qatar based Al-Jazeera commented, immediately after reporting the surrender of thousands of "cowardly US imperialist troops" to a "handful of unarmed Iraqi peasants."

At the Pentagon, a testy Donald Rumsfeld angrily dismissed Sahaf’s claims, describing Tyler as an “angelic beauty, whose shapely figure inspires a desire for… freedom in the hearts of men everywhere, including Syria and Iran.” Leaving the press corps in disbelief, Rumsfeld added that “I wouldn’t mind deploying my troops in her neighborhood, if you know what I mean,” before dictating his phone number to the cameras – twice.

As of this morning, coalition troops were in control of much of Baghdad and methodically extending their control. Ms. Tyler, appearing live on ABC’s Good Morning America, was still mind-numbingly hot; the bouquet of rare Iraqi flowers she was clutching, with a handwritten note from "MSS," were not from a bespectacled, beret wearing fan, Sahaf insisted to all who would listen.

2003-03-22T02:15:00.000-05:00

Search for Newsman Called Off

[ from http://stinkyshorts.blogspot.com ]

CNN anchor Aaron Brown has been located alive and well, following a brief, but frenzied search. Below the videophone stream of the tanks, left of the feed from the Iraqi newsconference, partially covered by the bottom news ticker regarding the possible cancellation of the Oscars, he was found somberly pontificating in the 'LIVE' picture-in-a-picture-in-a-picture box in the corner, entirely unaware of viewers' ongoing efforts to locate him.

We are glad he's OK and saving up for a big-screen TV to prevent any further such incidents.

2003-03-21T11:16:00.000-05:00

Saddam Body Double Looks to Defect

[ from http://stinkyshorts.blogspot.com ]

Washington D.C. – One of Saddam’s body doubles has asked the United States government for asylum, according to senior White House sources.

The bizarre phone call on Wednesday evening took White House phone operators by surprise, when a man identified himself as “double Saddam” and frantically screamed “Talk little Bush now! This not Saddam, not Saddam! Me Saddam is very big lie! Very big lie!” into the receiver. The caller was connected to Donald Rumsfeld directly and a brief conversation followed, the sources said.

American intelligence is still trying to determine if the call came from one of Saddam’s three known body doubles or, in fact, Saddam himself. Especially puzzling is the fact that the caller asked for asylum not only for “double Saddam” himself, but also for Saddam’s sons, referred to as “double Uday” and “double Qusay.”

Last night, intelligence officials were formulating a response, even as calls from “double Tariq Aziz,” “double General Amir al-Sadi” and other “doubles” of the Iraqi leadership lit up the White House switchboard.

2003-03-19T18:29:00.000-05:00

McDonalds to Start Selling Real Food

[ from http://stinkyshorts.blogspot.com ]

McDonalds will start making food that tastes good in a last ditch effort to reverse declining sales, the ubiquitous restaurant chain said in a surprise announcement today.

“Risky times call for bold strategies,” McDonalds CEO Richard Tool, said in a statement, “Certainly, our customers will be shocked, at first. But we think there is a real market out there for hamburgers that taste like beef and chicken patties that taste like chicken. We aren’t touching the fries.”

Wall street analyst are skeptical of the move. “People have been eating crap at McDonalds for decades – and paying for it. They should stay away from 'real' food and stick with what they know,” said Morgan Stanley restaurant analyst Steven Mooney.

2003-03-11T02:12:00.000-05:00

White House Denies Reports Bush's Calls Are Being Screened

[ from http://stinkyshorts.blogspot.com ]

WASHINGTON D.C. - The White House is denying widespread reports on Tuesday that several members of the UN Security Council are using answering machines to screen repeated Iraq-related telephone calls from President Bush.

Giant bureaucratic webs of missed calls and frantic phone tag are engulfing Mexico, Bulgaria, Cameroon, Chile, Angola and Guinea – as the crucial ‘swing voters’ in the 15 nation Security Council have resorted to screening all calls placed to their respective leaders with answering machines. The new practice has reportedly slowed government business in several nations – as Presidents, Prime Ministers and high level government officials across the globe have even turned the volume down on their answering machines to escape the White House’s relentless phone diplomacy.

“Mr. Bush doesn’t take a hint very well, “a high level aide to Mexican President Vicente Fox said, “At first we just didn’t answer calls coming from the United States, but after the White House started using *67 to block the caller ID, we didn’t have any options left. We are just hopeful that they will stop calling soon.”

In a tape widely circulated around the United Nations yesterday, a male voice matching the President’s is heard to say: “Hallo, Vicente?… Hallo? Please pick up! I’m calling about Sadda… Oh… wait, I have call waiting – it must be Dad. Gotta go – please call me back urgentably[sic]…”

The White House has steadfastly denied the rumors. In a press conference yesterday, spokesman Ari Fleischer said “Certainly, we would look very seriously at any nation that is not taking President Bush’s phone calls […] Absolutely, everyone has been taking President Bush’s phone calls…perhaps a country’s leader may have been in the bathroom or taking a shower or simply or had the TV turned up too loud when the phone rang and then the machine picked up, but certainly all of the President’s calls are being taken otherwise.”

As of press time, messages seeking comment left with the governments of Bulgaria, Cameroon, Chile, Angola and Guinea have not been returned.

2003-03-01T03:54:00.000-05:00

It is a great and solemn day in Stinky Shorts history, for we have been reviewed in the New York Times and cited for having "Maureen Dowd-esque rapier wit" and "deeper insight than Thomas Friedman." I'd like to thank my agent, my therapist and, above all, my plastic surgeon. Update: The New York Times review has been pulled, pending fact-checking by Dr. Hans Blix -- it is expected to conclude shortly. In other news, The Weblog Review has actually reviewed my site! An astute scribe named brandon, with a lowercase 'b,' wrote that this space is 'brilliant' and 'unsurpassed in all of blogdom' on page two of his glowing tribute. Due to space limitations, only the first page was published. That's OK, we know what's up.

2003-02-19T23:25:00.000-05:00

Recommended reading... smart/famous people give one paragraph answers to the question: "Should we invade Iraq?" Nice to see people get right to the point. Especially outstanding are Gregg Easterbrook, Robert Reich, Spike Lee and Sarah Vowel's Answers, not necessarily all in a positive way. Also, Sarah Vowell rocks.

2003-02-19T04:28:00.000-05:00

Packing for a long trip can be very cool... if you are the 101st Airborne:

The process of packing the ships is dictated by computers that store the shape and size of each piece of equipment, then sort digital images, allowing crews to fit the pieces more efficiently into cargo holds. It's like working a three-dimensional jigsaw puzzle, and the goal is to fit in more cargo than the last ship held.

Read the whole thing

2003-02-14T22:58:00.000-05:00

Once again, the The Onion is scooped by real life events. My guess is that they'll just give up sooner or later; it's becoming too hard to sound ridiculous: Man Wraps Entire House In Plastic After Terror Warning

(via fark.com)

2003-02-14T05:57:00.000-05:00

Valentine's Day Top 10 List: How to Let Her Know How Much You Truly Love Her

... presented by political figures from around the world

10. Osama Bin Laden: Assure her that of your 32 wives, you love her the most. The other ones? Filthy infidels.

9. Saddam Hussein: Challenge her to prove that you don’t love her; when confronted with compromising photographs of other girlfriends, insist that “nothing happened.”

8. Hans Blix: Pretend you can’t find her flaws. Also, don’t look for them.

7. Colin Powell: Secretly record your lovemaking, then show the video and audio recordings as proof of your love. Do not get discouraged when she says she was 'faking it.'

6. Donald Rumsfeld: Call her a fat, old hag. Tell her you were just kidding.

5. Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge: Inform her that the intensity of your desire for her is matched only by National Threat Level Red.

4. George Bush: If things aren’t going that well, tactfully suggest that your relationship needs a ‘regime change.’

3. Tony Blair: If things aren’t going that well, tactfully suggest that your relationship needs a ‘regime change.’

2. Jacques Chirac: Tell her you could 'get it up' if you wanted to. But right now, you don't want to.

1. Kim Jong Il: Threaten to kill her unless she promises to love you forever. Mean it.

2003-02-12T05:45:00.000-05:00

"Drivers Urged to Hunt for Cheaper Gas" is not a headline from The Onion. Really.

2003-02-11T18:58:00.000-05:00

INVISIBLE CONDOM that blocks AIDS coming soon. Invisible condom that doesn't block AIDS or prevent pregnancy available now.

2003-02-11T14:17:00.000-05:00

AMAZON.COM GREETS ME BY NAME and recommends the "Weight Training Diary for Dummies." So, just through a history of my past purchases, they have figured out that I'm puny, dumb and not very disciplined. Nifty.

2003-02-11T14:13:00.000-05:00

THE ORIGIN OF FISHIES... or how they grew legs after sitting on the backs of Christians' cars everywhere.

2003-02-11T02:52:00.000-05:00

THERE IS AT LEAST ONE MAN IN RUSSIA who doesn't take bribes. Though, nearly everyone else does, it seems:

The researchers estimated that Russian citizens pay about $3 billion in bribes annually — about half of what they pay in income tax. Business owners, meanwhile, were found to fork over a whopping $33 billion to keep things running smoothly, a sum just less than half of all of last year's federal budget revenues. Traffic police officers rake in $368 million, beaten only by education employees, who take $449 million. The list goes on.

... from the NYT profile of the lone holdout: Georgi A. Satarov.

2003-02-11T02:27:00.000-05:00

THE MAN WHOSE REPORT CHASED Senator Trent Lott out of Washington, Josh Marshall, brings you an other brewing controversy, this time, of the electoral sort. Following up on a Manchester Union Leader story, Marshall is reporting that Allen Raymond, Executive Director of the Republican Leadership Council, is also the founder of the telemarketing company, GOP Marketplace, that jammed democratic get-out-the-vote phone banks in New Hampshire on Election Day with repeated dial and hang-up calls. Marshall muses:

The Manchester Union Leader says that GOP Marketplace got the job done for the New Hampshire Republican party. So who else did GOP Marketplace work for in 2002? There were a lot of close races last year...

Considering Allen's leadership of the Republican Leadership Council, that's not a bad question to ask, eh? Read Marshall's report and check his main site for the latest updates.

2003-02-10T04:56:00.000-05:00

IS TOM CRUISE GAY? We think not. Tom Cruise thinks not. Nicole Kidman... uh, she'll get back to you. The funny folks at BBspot also think not, yet they dare you to spot the difference between Tom Cruise movies and gay porn movies. Quickly: Is Cocktail a Tom Cruise star vehicle or a JamRod (tm) productions showcase? Trickier than you thought, eh? Go on, take the quiz, and go boldly where ten percent of men have gone before! Yes, really.

[p.s. Tom, please don't sue us. We really don't care either way -- it's the Scientology crap that's really buggin' us. We like gay porn just as much as the next guy!]

2003-02-10T04:26:00.000-05:00

THERE WAS THIS GREAT blog entry all set to go for today. It was funny, it was delectable, it was mind-boggling. Just what you've come to expect from Stinky Shorts.

But then, just as the final copy was being run over from the copy desk to the printing house, the courier slipped on an egg-salad stain, fell and accidentally ingested the sheer brilliance that was going to be today's post. Stuff like this happens all time here.

However, speaking of egg salad, take a minute to read this wonderful little poem from former poet laureate Billy Collins. His poetry is so simple, its wit and wisdom will hit you like a belatedly formulated perfect reply. Also see this other great one from him, Forgetfulness.

2003-02-08T17:37:00.000-05:00

YOU WON'T BELIEVE YOUR EYE: I've seen many weird Ebay auctions... but I think this one takes the cake.

2003-02-08T03:31:00.000-05:00

SOAR: There's a gorgeous, new trailer out for the movie Winged Migration. It's from the makers of a fantastic film, Microcosmos, which featured a stunning new approach to how nature films are made -- meticulously documenting the life of insects in a revealing and immediate way. It's a sort of reality-show version of A Bug's Life. The new film takes the same approach, this time to birds -- with amazing results.

I just watched it again. It's absolutely riveting.

2003-02-08T01:51:00.000-05:00

BELOW-AVERAGE INTELLIGENCE: Much of Brittain's latest intelligence report on Iraq was plagiarized... from publicly available magazines and publications. Well, shucks... if its due tomorrow, it's gotta get done, right? Happens to everyone. Apparently.

2003-02-08T01:43:00.000-05:00

BUT IT'S ART! How many kids will this movie kill? The term I would use to describe the filmmakers involved is 'free speech abolitionists.'

2003-02-07T04:22:00.000-05:00

MUTUALLY ASSURED NET DESTRUCTION: The US is considering the use of 'cyber warfare' -- disabling the enemy's computer infrastructure through the use of viruses, hacks, and other methods -- in the near future. But get this, the issues being weighed are similar to those involving nuclear weapons. Do we want to set a precedent? Can we control collateral damage? Will we have to buy even more Microsoft licenses? Etc...

2003-02-07T03:55:00.000-05:00

Hail the progress in the War on Drugs

One week ago, Ed Rosenthal, a self-proclaimed marijuana growing expert, was convicted of federal marijuana cultivation and conspiracy charges. He's looking at 10 years to life, when he'll be sentenced on June 4th.
That's a bit shocking when you consider the following facts:

1. California passed a law in 1996 legalizing the use of marijuana for medical purposes.
2. The city of Oakland (in California) specifically authorized Ed Rosenthal, to grow 'medical' marijuana for its citizens.
3. Mr. Rosenthal grew his plants specifically for people requiring them for medical reasons

Got that? Good. Because the jury that convicted Mr. Rosenthal was specifically barred from learning about 2. and 3. by the presiding U.S. District Judge Charles Breyer. It's an unbelievable story.

Read an account of the ordeal here here, and also check out the disheartened jury's reaction when they learned the facts.

This case raises tough issues regarding state's rights, jury nullification and supression of evidence during a trial. (Not even speaking of victimless crimes and the misguided doggedness of the Bush administration to keep medical marijuana illegal. But that's an other story.) Will keep you posted as the story develops. (Oh, and watch for the Larry King interview with the man's wife. I predict the following question: "Did Mr. Rosenthal ever get high with you? And when he did, did he get a case of the 'munchies'?")

2003-02-07T03:01:00.000-05:00

Ambiguity

Many a crucial question regarding Iraq can not be answered with unwavering confidence. Whether it comes to their weapons of mass destruction, their connection with terrorists or their expected future behavior -- we can only make educated guesses or speak of probabilities. Even with evidence in hand, we can not be absolutely certain of our charges. Nevertheless, even in the face of indecision, we must act. I found the following comment from former C.I.A. director Robert Gates instructive (quoted in a New Yorker piece about our Iraq intelligence):

"[The ambiguity has to do with] intentions [...] If the stakes and the consequences are small, you're going to want ninety-per-cent assurance. It's a risk calculus. On the other hand, if your worry is along the lines of what Rumsfeld is saying—another major attack on the U.S., possibly with biological or chemical weapons—and you look at the consequences of September 11th, then the equation of risk changes. You have to be prepared to go forward with a lot lower level of confidence in the evidence you have. A fifty-per-cent chance of such an attack happening is so terrible that it changes the calculation of risk."

Something to think about, certainly.

2003-02-06T05:01:00.000-05:00

Survive this!

Word has it that Fox is coming out with a new reality show, to follow up its latest hit, Joe Millionaire.

Sources tell us that the cameras, along with the viewers at home, will closely follow the exploits of a hundred bespectacled scientists, as they chase after a mustachioed, fun-loving dictator, who, in some of the early stills Stinky Shorts has obtained, strongly resembles Saddam Hussein.

Viewers will be able to play along, as they watch the wily dictator move his stashes of biological, chemical and nuclear weapons from place to place each week. Will Saddam thwart the inspectors and force them to leave empty-handed again? Will bombs rain on Israel in the bonus round? Will al-Queda walk away with valuable 'prizes' after its guest appearance? Tune in to find out...

The show is a joint production between the German and French governments, as well as the Iraqi Council on Free Speech and Human Rights for Weapons Scientists...

But seriously, folks. After seeing the evidence Powel presented to the UN, considering the history of the inspections and the past behavior of Saddam, calling for further inspections is just a bad joke. We seem to be left with no choice other than war -- and the only remaining question is whether we can justify any delay in its execution.

The Washington Post makes a strong case that the time for war has come.

2003-02-05T03:24:00.000-05:00

Pithy

The other day, Secretary of State Colin Powell was reminded that his boss is in bed by ten and sleeps like a baby. Powell reportedly replied, "I sleep like a baby, too—every two hours I wake up screaming."

- An other New Yorker gem, this one from an anxiety-filled commentary by Hendrik Hertzberg, questioning Bush's approach to Iraq

2003-02-04T17:17:00.000-05:00

Real Love

Dave Barry says:

If ever two people deserved to be together, for ever and ever, with no possibility of escape, those two people are Joe Millionaire and the Bachelorette.

I couldn't agree more.

2003-02-04T16:37:00.000-05:00

Four views on Columbia lessons

Mourn the crew, but we must go on - Hugh Sides, for Time
No need for manned missions - Paul Krugman
Why mourn the crew? we must go on - Dave Winer, at Userland
Go further, higher to justify the irreducible risks - Charles Krauthhammer

A diversity of divergent viewpoints -- at least 3 of them carefully reasoned, too. With the Bush administration having just proposed a NASA budget increase, I wonder if anyone in the administration is reading these.

2003-02-04T16:07:00.000-05:00

A different kind of war

Operating system debate causes domestic standoff. Don't ya just hate it when that happens?
(via fark)

2003-02-04T04:20:00.000-05:00

Can you hear me now?

It's not the holding, it's the talking! Going back at least 10 years, study after study has shown that it's dangerous to gab on your cell phone while driving, even if you've got a phone holder or a mic attachment. It's the talking that's distracting you, not the holding of the phone. A new study explains why -- it turns out that when you talk more, you see less.

The bothersome news here is that cell phone companies have known about these studies -- this is not news to them, even if scientists are just beginning to understand why this is so. Their response? To state that more information is needed and to lobby for laws mandating hands-free kits -- such a law has already been passed in New York. Of course, this puts more money in their pockets, increases consumer safety little, if at all, and also creates the appearance that they 'care'. Remember kids, business is all about PERCEIVED quality -- you'll learn this at any MBA program during your first term.

This is the space where I argue the strong parallels to the behavior of cigarette companies. But I think the facts speak for themselves.

2003-02-03T18:27:00.000-05:00

Paper mounted CPUs

And you thought $200 for a CPU was cheap.

(via Slashdot)

2003-02-03T17:27:00.000-05:00

Finally, a talk show with 'tude?

Ali G is a British import, a comedian who does spoof interviews with 'serious' people, who've no idea who he is. Apparently, his victims (er... interviewees) are generally none too pleased.

"I'm amazed it even aired," said John Judge of the Washington Peace Center, who was interviewed by Ali G for a panel on corporate control of the media. Mr. Judge said he was paid for his appearance and told it would reach 4 million people in Britain. "It was perhaps the most surreal interview I have ever done."

Answering questions via e-mail, Mr. Judge recalled that before the show, Ali G asked him to spell his name and then crossed out the "d" in Judge, explaining that this was so he could pronounce it. Mr. Judge said he was also surprised when Ali G asked the panelists why people still read books when everyone can now afford television. After telling Ali G that he had read thousands of books, Mr. Judge said that Ali G "told me not to be `bragging' about it and asked me to name one" to prove it.

I'd like to see him interview Triumph the Insult Comic Dog for extra-special fireworks.

2003-02-03T17:02:00.000-05:00

A different take

Dave Winer has an unusual perspective on Columbia; well worth the read.

2003-02-03T05:36:00.000-05:00

Columbia

The Columbia disaster left me shocked and saddened. It also made me realize just how cynical and tired we have become since September 11th -- how the loss of life just doesn't feel the same anymore, how our sense of proportion has changed. We have acquired a different sense for the scale and for the proximity of tragedy. We have learned how un-protected we are -- from terrorism and accident, from fortune and fate.

In the coming days, the space program will be publicly debated in a way it hasn't been in a long time. As after every public loss of life, politicians and pundits will step forward and claim to speak in the name of the dead, to tell us what 'they would have wanted.' They do this knowing we can disagree with politicians, but will not think of 'arguing' with the dead. I dread such talk. Our media, especially TV, will again fail to inform us of facts -- but will deliver tasteless, unreasoned emotion with a false integrity. (I caught a snippet of a Larry King interview, already, talking with the parents of one of the astronauts. "Tell us, when did he first say that he wants to be an astronaut?" I didn't wait for the inevitable tears.)

Even though this wasn't a terrorist attack, the incident speaks to the power of terrorism. It illustrates the gravity of our symbols; their importance to us, their psychological weight becomes clear at times like this. While our military is mighty and our people numerous, our symbols are vulnerable and precious and deeply mourned when lost. The loss of our symbols -- be it a space shuttle, the Trade Center towers or the Pentagon, can leave a gaping wound on our psyche that is as painful as any tangible loss.

[This unsentimental essay by Gregg Easterbrook makes an intriguing case for why the Shuttle program should be dropped. He also predicted troubles ahead for the Columbia in 1980. Yes, in 1980.]

2003-02-03T05:35:00.000-05:00

Huh

Iraq has the largest, most efficient, food rationing program in the world.

2003-02-03T04:05:00.000-05:00

The Case for Impatience

Are we convinced that Saddam has some WMD's up his un-inspectable shirt sleeves? It's becoming harder and harder to believe otherwise, and perhaps come this Wednesday's "not smoking-gun, but incredibly goddamn powerful" intelligence presentation to the UN Security Council by Colin Powell, the issue will be finally decided.

Still, that would leave an important question on the table, one that opponents of the war will argue is the real question, the one from which the focus has been getting further and further away: Why now? A long-time Iraq hawk, Kenneth Pollack, makes a very careful, reasoned argument, that Iraq simply can't be deterred. Must-read for hawks and doves, alike.

[Thanks for the link goes to alert reader C.B., bureau-chief for Stinky Shorts' Berkeley, CA bureau.]

2003-02-01T19:42:00.000-05:00

Man Saves Colleague, Self

"In 2001, [Bill Frist] attended to a colleague, Strom Thurmond, who had collapsed on the Senate floor. (Mr. Lott, therefore, has Dr. Frist to thank that he was able to keep a speaking engagement at Mr. Thurmond's hundredth-birthday celebration.)" Jan 27th, '03 New Yorker

Remember kids: Altruism has its own rewards. After all, the career you save may be your own.

2003-02-01T05:36:00.000-05:00

Keeping Score

Even if you've never started a paper by leafing through the sports section, you should consider reading this gem, by Washington Post sports columnist Sally Jenkins.

Her piece, concerning the latest travails of high school basketball phenom James LeBron, transcends the world of sports to become true social commentary regarding fame, celebrity, pettiness, jealousy, hypocrisy and commercialism. That's what good sports columns do -- help us keep score in ways small and large. -- read it --

2003-01-31T19:21:00.000-05:00

music eternal

If you really like the moon because it is close to us if you really really like the moon, then there's a song for you, performed by like-minded thingies.

2003-01-31T18:46:00.000-05:00

Put a cape on this woman! -- from the Can't make this stuff up dept.

If you've had the misfortune to have been watching CNN for more than 10 continuous minutes at any point in the past few weeks or have enjoyed some other similar 'quality' news source, you've surely heard about the story of Laci Peterson. She's pregnant and beautiful and... missing, having left only her sketchy husband behind. Oh, the drama! Titillating enough to earn her a spot in CNN's storied news lineup between George Bush, Saddam Hussein and 'When Connie Chung Attacks,' there's been nightly Laci Peterson updates/newsconferences/group therapy sessions. But we here at Stinky Shorts would never write about such gray areas between news and sex and treachery. (We prefer to write about news OR sex or urologists... but not all at once!)

So this story, about a possible sighting of Ms. Peterson (Elvis reportedly NOT in tow) is featured merely for its humor value. Apparently, she approached a 45-year-old grocery clerk at the checkout counter and duly informed her that "This is serious. I was kidnapped. Call the authorities when I leave." The clerk then:
A) Alerted the big bad guy near the woman to the charge against him
B) Forgot all about the incident.
C) Drove home and listened to "Awaken the Giant Within" tapes in her car
A week later, she did call police -- she remembered it all as she was watching CNN! full story

(If any Stinky Shorts readers, upon reading this bit of news, suddenly recall a recently forgotten murder, rape, kidnapping or other heineous, yet scintillating felony they have witnessed (preferably involving a young and photogenic victim), please let us know. We yearn for an acknowledgement of our infinite utility.)

2003-01-28T20:02:00.000-05:00

Top 10 Signs Your Visit to the Urologist Is Not Going That Well...

10. Signs in the waiting room ask you to, “At all times, keep your belongings with you, and your hands to yourself.”
9. He greets you with a "How's it hangin'?" and then gives you a conspiratorial wink...
8. Instead of diplomas on the wall, there are 'trophies', if you know what i mean.
7. His assistants are named 'Left' and 'Ri…' no, wait, he only has one assistant
6. His business card says. "Thanks for your business. Please visit if you can't come again."
5. When you give him the requested semen sample, he says "Ah, for me? You really shouldn't have..."
4. When you take your pants off, he looks down and complains "Aren't you happy to see me?"
3. His latex gloves are 'ribbed' for pleasure.
2. He shakes his head and asks, "Will you be needing both of these?"
1. After 20 minutes of squeezin' and pokin' your private parts, he says "The doctor will be right with you..."

2003-01-28T02:10:00.000-05:00

You can't make this stuff up

Microsoft doesn't heed own advice, suffers consequences.

2003-01-27T15:50:00.000-05:00

Oh, that's a good one

Sabri insisted that Iraq has encouraged its scientists to agree to private interviews but that the government cannot force people to do so. "I think you care very much in the United States and in Europe for personal freedom, personal liberties," he said. "Are those scientists not covered by this concept? You ask us to force them to accept unattended interviews. We have encouraged them but we cannot force them."

- Naji Sabri, foreign minister of that bastion of personal freedom and liberties, Iraq - full story

2003-01-27T14:56:00.000-05:00

Brazilian Sand Sculptures

Wow.

2003-01-27T13:29:00.000-05:00

Writers Write Because...

''People write because it seems like it'll be an easier job than carpet laying, that they might meet more girls, and they write because the world strikes them as being a marvelous place, and they want to keep bringing that to everybody's attention. You know, a scary place, a menacing place, an exciting place because it's scary and menacing. But mainly, kind of glorious.''

- Warren Zevon, a songwriter in the last stages of a fatal illness (mesothelioma), from In His Time of Dying

"Many years ago, I conducted an experiment of placing a note in copies of several briskly selling books in a local Washington bookstore. The notes had my phone number and offered five dollars to anyone who saw them and called me up. No one called. Though hardly scientific, this tended to confirm my suspicion that people like buying books more than they like reading them. And of course, in the famous formulation (credited to Gloria Steinem, among others), writers don’t like writing —they like having written. They like having written under the impression that this means they will be read. The whole book thing is thus based on mutual misunderstanding."

- Michael Kinsley, pundit extraordinaire, famously delinquent National Book awards judge, Parkinson's sufferer

2003-01-27T03:31:00.000-05:00

A Gadget Blog?

Yes, a gadget blog. Informative, addictive, brilliant. Whydidntithinkofthat. gizmodo.com

2003-01-27T03:17:00.000-05:00

How to fix Salon.com

Salon.com, the on-line magazine, seems to be going through its latest death-throes nowadays.

Los Angeles journalist Ken Layne, has a great article about how to 'fix it', that reflects more media and business savvy than you can shake a stick at.

2003-01-27T02:04:00.000-05:00

You will leave in 3... 2... 1...

Dave Barry has a blog. Right next door. Yes, THAT Dave Barry. davebarry.blogspot.com

I surrender.

2003-01-27T00:47:00.000-05:00

I kiss you!!!!!!!!

The spirit of Mahir lives on! (i.e. stupidity so astounding, it becomes an asset...)

Incidentally, Mahir himself lives on at this somewhat sad attempt to extend his 15 minutes of fame - Ikissyou.org. The site includes an exit-interview of sorts (from the spotlight, that is) that the NYT did with him, recounting the whole Mahir story.

The original is still pretty funny though.

2003-01-26T20:28:00.000-05:00

Broadband Boob-tube

Streaming video on the internet has been getting better steadily over the past few years. With increasing broadband proliferation, better technology from Apple, Microsoft and RealNetworks and some effort from content providers, streaming video on the web has become nearly usable... giving your average Joe a maybe two out of three chance of seeing something akin to a moving image without waiting for an eternal progress bar.

Major League Baseball, through a partnership with RealNetworks, will broadcast a 'major portion' of its games online in the coming season. Will be interesting to watch how this turns out and whether it portends the further availability of TV content on-line, on a pay-per-view basis. Why not?

2003-01-26T16:31:00.000-05:00

Greatest Superbowl Ads (of ALL TIME, of course)

Two old men clapping off-beat to La Cucaracha while a monkey in an E-Trade t-shirt dances on top of a garbage can. Then comes the punchline: "We just wasted two million dollars. What are you doing with your money?"

This, and other gems, and you don't even have to wait for the video to load. Just read about them.

(And, btw, my money's on the Raiders over the Bucs, 23-17.)

2003-01-26T04:59:00.000-05:00

Iraqi 1 - 2 - 3: Nukes, lies and (no) videotape

At the U.S. Strategic Command (STRATCOM) in Omaha and inside planning cells of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, target lists are being scrutinized, options are being pondered and procedures are being tested to give nuclear armaments a role in the new U.S. doctrine of "preemption."

Sobering, isn't it? Read the rest of this military analyst's misgivings about the possible use of nuclear weapons in Iraq.

Yet, After 2 Months, No Proof of Iraq Arms Programs, the LA Times summarizes plainly.

But that doesn't matter, because We Know Iraq is Lying, according to a powerful op-ed piece by Condoleezza Rice.

I think Iraq is lying, too. But instead of simply knowing, I wish we could prove it.

2003-01-25T12:58:00.000-05:00

Ooops

The Times seems to have thought better of it and re-arranged the headlines in a more traditional way. It's nice to have my prayers answered overnight, but I'd watch that space in the future and see how they toy with it.

2003-01-25T02:05:00.000-05:00

The Gray Lady Aims for Cyberchic

As I write this, the top headlines on the New York Times website concern Serena Williams and Reality TV; you can wait to read about Iraq and a Democrat sponsored tax cut just a little further down the page.

The NYTimes on the Web's homepage design has changed in some subtle, but important ways. The section of the page that is first seen in your browser (the on-line equivalent of 'above-the-fold') used to be filled with significant national and international headlines, with an unintrusive column placed alongside, but much lower down, previewing lighter fare. No longer. The headlines section has been squeezed horizontally, to make way for a heavy, prominent column, running down the center of the page, offering a buffet of light pop-news headlines featuring Serena, Reality TV and Jerry Rice, mixed with more important stories (tax cut, small pox vaccinations) in the same size and weight font. In the paper version of the front page, which you can view here, stories about Serena and Jerry are relegated to below the fold, while, two national and one international story dominate the space above.

The Gray Lady is not turning into a tabloid version of it's trusty, paper self just yet... but obviously someone has been poring over those visitor logs, demographics charts and click-through statistics and concluded that stories about Britney Spears' love life get more clicks than accounts of Kim Jong Il's nuclear temper tantrums. This new arrangement -- a little more Spears, a little less Jong Il, in style -- increases ad revenue, while shifting the tone and focus of the front-page.

Is the Times website, in search of clicks, pageviews and dollars, going toe-to-toe with juicier news providers such as MSNBC and CNN, by putting fluff ahead of the real news? To me, it looks as though it's threatening to, but I sincerely hope that it isn't.

In the off-line world of un-refoldable, over-sized paper and smudgy ink, it has managed to stake out a staid, higher ground far above its local pandering, sensationalistic competitors. It remains oversized, pricey and without a gossip column!

The on-line versions of the Washington Post and the Washingon Times, both continue to provide 'boring' stuff above the fold, and light stuff below. May the big guy in the sky give the the editors of the NYtimes.com the courage to do the same.

2003-01-25T01:07:00.000-05:00

Darwin Awards Department

Dog angers man, man vows vengeance, dog shoots man dead. Or something like that.

2003-01-24T17:38:00.000-05:00

Super Crunch

“If you don’t wake up hurting on Monday, you didn’t play hard enough Sunday.” That’s the motto of professional football players, in a sport which demands the vicious blocks and tackles that make for highlight reels and video games. It also makes for 300-pound behemoths that get old before their time. Yet even players who know they’ll be crippled for life acknowledge that it’s just the nature of the game.

So begins a great NPR story broadcast today, reminding us of the hard reality of the game most of the nation (including myself) will be enjoying this Sunday.

You're Okay, It's Just a Bruise, a book whose author is interviewed on the program, delves into the culture of the sport, as well as the ethics of the physicians who keep oiling the increasingly creaky human machinery.

There. Now you can watch the game with some nuanced, intellectual guilt. You're welcome.

2003-01-24T05:08:00.000-05:00

Are we there yet?

A frightening story from the BBC regarding Iraq's preparations for a war they apparently expect to be fought with chemical weapons. Iraqi troops are being issued chemical weapons protection suits, as well as the drug atropine, which counters the effects of nerve gas. Scary stuff.

Certainly, there will be a string of stories in the weeks to come concerning the horrors that await our troops, about the crimes of the man whom we intend to remove from power, about the dangers of the task ahead. By many signs, the war does seem to be only weeks away.

Amidst the war noises, the lingering questions about the justification for the timing of this war will get drowned out. But, should the North Korean crisis deepen or the casualties of the war be numerous (as the scary stories suggest they might), I am afraid those questions may come back to haunt us.

[Check out Slate's eerily cynical, yet amusingly pragmatic "saddameter", now up to 70%... They plot the chance of war day by day, on charts, like a fluctuating stock.]

2003-01-23T21:14:00.000-05:00

Saddam, we hardly knew ye!

Mr. Hussein's last will and testament has been found(!) in The New Yorker. Heh.

2003-01-23T20:13:00.000-05:00

Smell you later...

Thacker's gone.

The question of what on earth the administration was thinking remains, however.

2003-01-23T18:18:00.000-05:00

Cover Cover-up

The full story's in. During a speech on the economy in St. Luis yesterday, Bush actually had a screen behind him, painted to depict stacks of "Made in the USA" boxes, instead of "Made in China" boxes, which actually were sitting behind him.

This is so crass, as to boggle the mind. Having a background, of a seal or a logo, for a photo-op is old hat -- but this fake backdrop was meant to deceive (to suggest it's own non-existence), not to illustrate. It presumes the naivite of the TV viewing public, the irrelevance of non-television media; it betrays a smug confidence that reality (old fashioned, yes) will not interfere with spin.

Of course, the symbolism is priceless -- the indication of a modus operandi. Tax cuts? Social Security? Ever feel like you're having the screen pulled over your eyes?

2003-01-23T01:16:00.000-05:00

Read It (Closely) and Weep

The Bush administration's stellar nominee for the Presidential Advisory Commission on HIV and AIDS is a homophobe and Bob Jones University graduate and ex-employee: Jerry Thacker. I think we'll be hearing more about him in the next few days.

The Post article, linked above, mentions that Mr. Thacker, founder of the "Scepter Institute," refers to AIDS as a 'gay plague' in his bio on the institute's web site. Or, did refer to it as such, until recently, when the text was changed to 'plague.'

Isn't it handy of Google to let us wallow in the past?

Old version of Thacker's bio, from the Scepter Institute, CACHED: 'gay plague'
New and improved, post-nomination, current version: 'plague'

This late switch is ironically similar to a gaffe that Drudge has caught the administration in, just today: changing the background of a presidential photo from boxes marked "Made in China" to "Made in USA."

Phew, I am glad to have an administration and president who is restoring moral clarity to the White House, finally!!! Aren't you?

2003-01-20T16:59:00.000-05:00

Live, Talking Breasts from Atlanta

Read this CNN transcript for a tidy summation of what's wrong with American television news today.

The transcript concerns a woman who underwent a double mastectomy by mistake. Shocking? Unfortunate? Certainly.
Newsworthy? Well, perhaps.

There's two important issues at play here. One, is the epidemic of medical mistakes that take over 40,000 lives each year. The other is the skyrocketing cost of malpractice related jury awards and malpractice insurance.

The interview (Costello is the anchor) with the attorney (Messerly) and her patient (Linda), avoids both these topics, except for a single question.

COSTELLO: Before I talk to hospital officials -- do you plan to sue?
MESSERLY: Absolutely. However, President Bush intends to add additional harm to Linda and other victims. I mean, 98,000 people per year die of malpractice, not to mention the hundreds of thousands that are injured, and the president wants to tell them, I don't care what you've been through, we're going to put a cap on your damages of $250,000.
COSTELLO: And of course, the reason he's doing that is because there are many frivolous lawsuits filed, and doctor's bills are getting ever more expensive.
MESSERLY: But putting a cap on that will do nothing at all to reduce that, and California has proved that. They put a cap on years ago, and malpractice premiums have gone up and up and up until insurance reform came through.

After this exchange (lost in the midst of the 5300 word interview), the anchor quickly changed topics.

Does CNN delve more into the California example the attorney cites? Question the attorney's decision to sue in the face of contrite hospital officials willing to compensate the patient? No, of course not. Instead of using this patient's story to examine important healthcare issues, CNN just mines the salacious details while the larger issues of malpractice claims and jury awards serve merely as an excuse to pry into some titilatting details.

Why did CNN do a story on this mistake, out of the hundreds that occur each day?

Because sex sells, but news doesn't. I understand CNN is in the money making business, as is every other channel on TV.
I just find the facade they hide behind deceptive, harmful and repulsive.

2003-01-18T02:55:00.000-05:00

Am I Hot or Not?

Think you're winning the office thermostat war?

Fearless HVAC repairmen have died to bring you this information.

(Thanks to our alert reader at openCortex.org)
(In other news, a full 25% of our readership wrote in about this intriguing story!)

2003-01-17T03:45:00.000-05:00

And it has this editor's complete sympathy...

"It is one of the world's favorite fruits, but the banana hasn't had sex in years and its days may be numbered."

My nominee for the best Reuters lead of this young year, though I'm afraid the rest of the article may not be as scintillating...

2003-01-15T03:56:00.000-05:00

The Oscar for Saving the Audience from the Worst Movie goes to...

I have always appreciated movie trailers as thrilling precis -- two hours of film, compressed into less than two minutes of the best scenes, the funniest gags, the greatest lines of dialogue. But really, there are two kinds of trailers: some you should see instead of the movie, others, in anticipation of it.

Why would you sit through two hours of Terminator 3, when you can see the best explosions in a small, convenient package, saving you nearly 120 minutes of sitting in a dark room, watching Arnie grow old?
Why would you suffer through 101 minutes of a failed attempt by Rob Schneider to grow beyond 2 minute SNL skits in the 'Hot Chick', when you can experience him in his original 2 minute comfort zone, by watching the trailer (2 minutes, 28 seconds.)
The "Die An Other Day" trailer manages to pack the entire plot, the three best explosions, the neatest gadgets, the titties!-money-shot (thanks Halle!) and all three lines of witty dialogue into a mere 2 minutes and 22 seconds!

But, you may find yourself asking, "What if I really, really like the trailer? Halle is just so hot! Pierce is just so handsome!" Then, by all means, watch the trailer again! Don't, in the case of this movie (and most others), unless you have a penchant for masochism, make the mistake of seeing the actual movie. Save yourself ten dollars and 130 precious minutes -- time in which you could garner every worthy moment from sixty other movies, for free!

Indeed, one or two of the sixty other movies may actually be worth seeing -- and their trailers, too.

Some trailers, quite apart from the movies themselves, are true works of art. They give no hint of plot (or explosions or boobs to come) and only toss out an occasional line of dialogue. Instead, they speak a subtler language. Alluring music, a character's contorted face, a passionate kiss, a surprised look, an intrigueing scene set-up, lush colors... After two minutes, you are left not with an incomplete plot, but an overwhelming feeling of wonder, curiosity, amazement. And you just have to see it, must see it. You have to watch the movie of which that too short wonder was born.

The trailer for "Talk to Her" is one of my favorites in this genre.

Also see:

The teaser trailers for "Puch-Drunk Love", which can be found here, under the movies section (try "Jeremy Blake's Love"),
the trailer for "Adaptation",
and the teaser trailer for "Hulk".

Apple's Quicktime Movie Trailers section contains a nearly completele collection of movie trailers for current, just past, and upcoming movies -- around 200 clips at any given time. It's a treasure trove, really.

2003-01-12T03:18:00.000-05:00

Faces, masks, lives...

This photo gallery, about a man who sculpts people, is absolutely stunning.

Here is the accompanying article.

2003-01-11T04:00:00.000-05:00

Of Porn, Prostitutes and Puritans

The Los Angeles Times has a great, sad story about the filthy porn industry in California. Filthy, not in the moral sense, but in the literal. While legal in the state of California, the production of pornographic material is completely unregulated and the actresses and actors, not to mention the public at large, suffer as a result.

The public at large also consumes the product in large quantities, the article points out. The industry rings up billions in profits each year nationwide, and has among its major customers AT&T, AOL Time Warner and General Motors. (Reader, you are not surprised, are you?)

Shocklingly, incredibly, it turns out that the use of condoms is not standard practice during porno movie productions. Some use them, some don't. HIV tests are also not given to actors regularly, but are used on a voluntary basis. This results in tragically high rates for all kinds of STD's among the men and women in these movies, and an indirect, but significant danger to the public at large.

Does it have to be this way? The Times guides us to a resounding 'NO'. In the parts of Nevada where prostitution is legal, it is also regulated. Condoms are required. So are weekly HIV tests. STD occurences among the sex workeres are very low, HIV is non-existent.

Don't hold your breath until politicians in California, or anywhere else in America, for that matter, start calling for the legalization and regulation of prostitution and the pornography industry in America. Would it reduce STD's among sex-workers? Yes. Would it save the lives of many sex-workers and non-sex workers alike? Yes. Would it condemn said politicians to eternal political hell? Undoubtedly.

The puritan sentiments of this country and the Christian mores of a great number of voters prevent the legalization of 'unsavory' practices such as prostitution and drug use. Yet, it prevents only their regulation, not their occurence. When the insistence on puritan and Christian moral standards kills people, how moral can those standards really be?

Link: L. A. Times Magazine: "See No Evil," January 12th, 2002.

2003-01-05T00:50:00.000-05:00

Honey, I can't find my syndrome

An other shocking story about the media bungling their science. Seems that the disorder known as "Female Sexual Dysfunction," and widely cited in the media as having victimized 44% of women, is a creation of drug companies (i.e. Pfizer, looking to push Viagra for women) and the researchers they have hired.

Forget your prescription, and let the great G-spot search resume.

2003-01-03T18:54:00.000-05:00

Clonaid and its discontents

This article gives some real insight into the current Clonaid brouhahah. It argues not only that the media at large got it wrong by treating the story as credible, but also, quite convincingly, that the mis-reporting has had real damage, by shifting the national conversation about genetics and bio-ethics in the wrong direction.

More generally, the piece is a cautionary tale about the cluelessness of today's media about technology and science (how long did it take until the "Information Super Highway" usage died out?). It's also a sobering reminder of the harm that sensationalistic, breathless reporting (read: Drudge) can do.

Read it.

2002-12-31T15:19:00.000-05:00

When I see stuff like this, it nurses my nagging suspicion that The Onion houses a staff of earnest, second-rate reporters, rather than a collection of jaded humorists. You just never know.